Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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