Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
