im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
