I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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