My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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