the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
