Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
