feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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