A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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