he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
