She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
