i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Randomize
