Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
