Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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