You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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