I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
