I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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