She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
