Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
