I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
