Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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