Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
