I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
