"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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