you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The best revenge is premature balding
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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