just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
