Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
