i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
