matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
