i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
