There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
