Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
