well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
