I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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