i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
