We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
