sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
it glows. i had to have it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
