I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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