Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
