i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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