**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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