when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
