You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
