Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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