dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
