I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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