K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
