Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
