i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
