i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
